Losing Logan

Not too many people, unless you know me pretty well, know this about me, but I have been pregnant 3 times. Ty was my first pregnancy and Taylor was my last pregnancy. In between I was pregnant with Logan. Here’s Logan’s story… every little soul deserves their own story to be told.

When I found out I was pregnant with Ty, it was a very important moment in my life, obviously. You go from being one person to being Mommy. You are so consumed with this little person inside of you! For the longest time, I wasn’t sure if I was having morning sickness or just nerves! But there’s no feeling like it. It cannot be explained or described, only experienced. Ty was born, and I was so devoted to this little man. Your love for your child is another thing that cannot be explained or described, only experienced. I was so dedicated to this little guy that had blessed my life, that I was about 7 weeks pregnant before I knew what was going on! I look back now and smile because I was a wreck! I remember being at my parents, it was Christmas eve, when I finally took a pregnancy test. My 5 ½ month old son was crawling around the living room, and I was finding out that he was going to have a little brother or sister! AHHHH! I wasn’t too happy at that moment. I called Aaron to tell him, and he was ecstatic, which shocked me even more. He said he was happy the kids were going to be so close in age and that he was looking forward to it. Me, I still wasn’t overjoyed, but the shock was wearing off and I was getting more used to the idea. Christmas went by, we told our close friends and family of our newest little surprise we were expecting and slowly began to plan and dream of this new little person that was coming. I scheduled my first doctor appointment, which I would be about 11 weeks along for, and excitement began to take the place where anxiety had once been. Aaron and I had already decided, boy or girl, this baby would be named Logan.

I started off this pregnancy with morning sickness of course, but to my surprise that only lasted about a week or so. I was SO excited, because it lasted much longer with Ty! The Friday before my doctor appointment, which was that Monday, I went shopping for a new outfit. I bought two new maternity shirts and a March of Dimes keychain at Motherhood. I loaded Ty up in the car and headed home. I stopped by Wal-Mart to get a few things and of course headed to the bathroom first thing. This is where I was met with the disturbing fact something might be wrong. I immediately called the doctor office who told me to head there right away. I called Aaron and he was on his way to meet me before I could get the words out that something might be wrong. The entire way to the doctor, I never cried, I only prayed and hoped. God has his reasons for everything, I know. I met Aaron at the doctor office and waited for what felt like an eternity. I remember the doctor coming in and doing the ultrasound. She was really quiet. Too quiet. She explained a few things to me, which I just remember replying “okay”, “okay” over and over again. Then she told me I had lost the baby. I had lost Logan. I didn’t cry. I just said “okay” again. She left the room, I looked at my Aaron, and I fell apart. The next few days were really hard. A miscarriage is a hard thing to go through, emotionally and physically. I was in a lot of pain. I remember when the physical pain would subside the emotional pain would come back. I told Aaron one time when he asked how I was that “my heart hurt”. My heart still hurts for Logan. Boy or girl doesn’t really mean a thing. That baby was my Logan. A mother’s heart always knows her children, and I knew and loved that baby.

I know many women can relate to what I’m saying. I know I am blessed with two beautiful children, and that is more than some people can say, but it doesn’t make the pain any less for my Logan. I pray that other women who have gone through this and those who will go through this, have the beautiful understanding that I have in my heart. God has a reason for it all. I was meant to shape and form my Ty and Taylor, and Logan was meant to be with Him. My little angel awaiting me on the other side. I look forward, when I move on from this life, to seeing many loved ones who have gone before me. I can imagine them standing there holding my Logan. Then it will be my turn to hold that angel baby. I can’t wait.